The Thing (2011)

 Caution: Spoilers. Spoilers, spoilers, spoilers. I am going to be spoiling a great film that I wish everyone would spend at least one evening enjoying. And I will be spoiling an abomination that should never have gotten to a board room let alone to the editing studio. You can decide which is which.

I feel dirty. The filth coating me hasn't left for the past week no matter how many times I take a wire scrub and remove layers of skin until I am blood raw. As a birthday treat on the 2nd December I decided to take my brother to the cinema and the movie chosen to while away the evening was The Thing (2011). I know, I didn't learn my lesson with A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) remake; I was smart enough to avoid Friday the 13th (2009) but went out of my way to watch The Omen (2006) even though I have the original on DVD sitting right next to it (hell, in the same box set). But what cuts deeper than not learning my lesson about horror remakes is I actually went into this hoping they would get this one right. I sat down during the adverts thinking that this would be it; The Thing is going to buck the tread and get me reminiscing over one of my all-time favourite horror films. I was reminiscing afterwards, but I was heartbroken at the time.

John Carpenter's The Thing (1982) has been a favourite of mine throughout my known life. Despite getting everything right (for me personally) one thing that always comes to mind after the credits start is; what happened on the Norwegian base the group travel to? And it seemed that enough people wondered this that the script was written and approved to release the prequel that will answer just what happened before Macready and crew had their world torn apart.

As a fan, I can't ignore the comparison to the original John Carpenter masterpiece. Though not being a remake, The Thing had the balls to keep the name and I plan to tear them a new one for this decision. If you have yet to see the 1982 version and would like to read an opinion based on the 2011 abomination alone, visit my friend at I want the fairy tale and she will point you in the right direction.

Now, since I feel my nostalgia, childhood and an entire range of emotion has been viciously taken advantage of I feel it is only fair I treat The Thing to the same ordeal. So to begin with, let's see how Mary Elizabeth Winstead measures up to Kurt Russell.

R.J. Macready versus Kate Lloyd

Mac wants the what?!...

I'm tackling the protagonists first because they are our gateway into the two films. Macready is almost an anti-hero at the beginning of John Carpenter's The Thing; he keeps to himself, he is blunt and he is bitter enough to shortcut a PC for beating him at chess using valuable alcohol. Despite this Macready, being the on-base pilot, has the nerves, calm and logic that aids in his development as the leader of the group later in the film. Plus, he's got a beard so you know he means business.

Kate Lloyd is a palaeontologist. She is called upon through plot convenience to visit the Norwegian Antarctic station to identify an unknown life form. Her driving force through the film as a protagonist is she's white, American and female. As the outsider of the base she hasn't much trust in anyone around her, though demands trust from her peers because she's skipped a few pages in the script and knows she doesn't die.

The people who got off the rollercoaster are still going to die...wait...

There is no contest here between the two characters. Macready has a connection to the Antarctic station as well as the men working there. You can genuinely feel friendships and emotions fall apart at the first hint that someone might be The Thing in disguise. Macready isn't even safe when his torn clothes are found in the furnace (this is explained in more detail later but The Thing is unable to copy inorganic material, therefore any clothing that cannot be worn after assimilation needed to be destroyed) and so the suspicion is turned on it's head until you can be certain the man you want to succeed is still human. Lloyd comes over as nothing more than a know-it-all megalomaniac, demanding so much from a crew who have no reason to trust her more than the men and women they've spent every day with for the last number of months. There is never that moment of genuine doubt, whether she is still human, Kate Lloyd is perfect. The bad perfect.

My genuine distaste for even thinking about her bland character throws me into fits of rage; my last paragraph took a good 20 minutes to make coherent. Kate Lloyd doesn't bring you into the story in any way, I spent the majority of the movie waiting for her to bring in the next piece of exposition to move the scene along and at no point did I feel like a part of this crew stuck in the Antarctic. Macready brought me into the story, instead of following him it is almost as if you're treated as part of their team, you feel the paranoia and suspicion and start to turn on characters you thought you would love until the end. I know that's more to do direction and the atmosphere created by the film, and I will be touching on this later. But I hate Kate Lloyd.

Supporting Cast versus Supporting Cast

There is a round a dozen supporting characters for each film and each play their own part in telling the tale. John Carpenter's The Thing using the full cast almost perfectly save a few examples; even then I only feel let down that I didn't get more time to know them before their untimely death. From the top of my head I can name you 6-8 individuals besides R.J. Macready, and that is because they are individuals. From Blair figuring out what happens if The Thing reaches civilisation and subsequently detained to Childs standing up to Macready’s authority, each member of the team was unique and you could sense they have been trapped together for months. There is a tolerance in the air for each other, a slim acceptance of the situation; this selection of men would never hang out as friends but in the current environment they know it is better to pull together than fall apart. The combination of personalities, the weather, the location and The Thing threatening to end their lives becomes the ideal setting for a horror film. Everyone takes their role and makes it stand out, the camera could have followed any number of them and John Carpenter's The Thing would still be one of my favourite horror films.

The Thing throws the complete opposite at you. You're given a herd to be picked off one by one until you're left with the protagonist alone at the end. I can name one supporting character, and that is purely because you can not ignore the scale and awesomeness of his beard. Hell, I had to check what Kate Lloyd's name was from IMDB; you feel no connection to anyone involved. You know they're simply fodder for the monster, a suspicion confirmed as soon as everyone on base has the exact same bland character. I swear only the names change, you could swap everyone's role and the story would still continue as normal. The length of character development in The Thing is there's a girl on base (probably to show something exciting and new since John Carpenter's American station was a sausage fest), and someone is 'the dog guy' (again this is probably a reference to the 1982 film, Clark was the dog handler and was responsible for roughly half a dozen dogs, that appeared on screen. In the 2011 feature has a total of one. One dog that was only necessary to lead onto the previous) and I can not remember which of the crew was the dog handler now. Maybe Lars? I seem to remember the conversation going something like he can't speak English so he hangs out with the dogs...sorry, dog.

You've got a fully developed and unique group desperately fighting for survival on their own terms against a useless collection of witless morons who apparently stand on the spot waiting for death to come unless a young, attractive American tells them what to do. Yep, it's 2-0. You can guess the final score but I'm having too much fun now to stop.

The Thing versus The Thing

John Carpenter's adaption of "Who Goes There?" shows The Thing as an almost perfect organism for hunting, survival and adaptation. After remaining in the form of a sledge dog, it is locked away in the kennels and begins to openly devour the other canines. This action is countered by the station crew armed with flamethrowers taking no mercy, they don't know what it is, they don't care, it's a mutation half way through swallowing every dog they own, and they will burn it until nothing is left. From that moment The Thing was methodical, it chose victims carefully, out of sight with little to no sound being made so it is able to blend perfectly back into the group and ensure survival. Only when it felt that its own life was truly at threat did it transform into a monstrous being to become the dominate component of the situation. The Thing created a true sense of paranoia and dread; the subtle approach it took to achieving its goal leaves you wondering what's happened to the guys who aren't on screen and whether they can be trusted when they come back.

This. I swear this is the only scene that the creators of The Thing saw from the John Carpenter movie. Their monster is the exact opposition from its 1982 counterpart, going out of its way to make as much commotion as possible so the flamethrowers are attracted to the scene. The only motivation through the film I figured out for the extraterrestrial is that it wants to morph into something ghastly at every opportunity. There is no paranoia or subtlety; there is an attempt to shoehorn the associated emotions into the script but right from the start you know the focus is on disgusting the audience rather than filling them with the dreaded sense of the unknown. I have seen the argument for this behaviour being it is the first time the organism has encountered humans and simple believes it can overcome the group through force. If this is so then there is no development to its behaviour. In John Carpenter's The Thing the monster quickly learns that humans and flamethrowers are a bad combination and face-to-face confrontation needs to be avoided. In this film there is no learning curve, it's simply attack attack attack until someone clumsily falls to the floor and can be assimilated.

John Carpenter's The Thing versus The Thing

There was never any contest between these two. The 1982 version nails perfectly what a horror film is about, I would class it as highly as Alien (1979). Despite the early reveal in the dog kennels The Thing does not have a true form, there are glimpses of its power and logical understanding, and it is terrifying. You never feel the extent of the threat in The Thing since from the start you know two things, the protagonist won't die and everyone else is chowder.

This brings me on to the endings of both films. The obvious winner of this review has the perfect ending (only to be later ruined by the video game); Macready and Childs are left alone surrounded by the burning husk of their polar base, neither knowing if the other is human they agree to sit there, watching each other, until the inevitable happens. You know the ending, the true ending, of the 2011 version because let's face it; it has to lead on to the beginning of the previous film/sequel. Because the American team travel to the Norwegian base the loose ends had to be tied up in this film in an exact fashion so they don't enrage the die hard fans. As I've said before in my Immortals (2011) review if you ruin the ending of your film I am not going to be interested in what happens leading up to it. It's like the pointless 'show your workings' questions back in GCSE maths. You know the answer; I know the answer, so why should we show how we got to the answer?

If I'm going to compare John Carpenter's The Thing with Alien then I would have to compare The Thing to...I don't know...any other generic horror film that has been released this side of January 2000. For some reason people think that seeing the same film after 400+ attempts that we are still going to be scared of it. Eurgh, I feel dirty again, where's the pressure washer...

If you want to spend £5-£10 on an adaption of a novella by John W. Campbell Jr. then go to the nearest DVD store and buy the 1982 masterpiece. Watch it a dozen times, and then a dozen more. Forget this prequel was ever made and enjoy what John Carpenter has grafted for you.