Immortals (2011)

Caution: Spoilers may follow. I try to avoid them as best as possible but some times I just need to explain why I’m so damn opinionated and annoyed.

I didn’t know what to expect of Immortals as I sat down at a slightly awkward angle to the big screen. I had tried my hardest to stay impartial going into this; avoiding news stories, reviews and even the Wikipedia page but some thoughts niggled away at my as I adjusted my 3D glasses.

I will come out now and say that I haven’t seen 300 (2006) or Clash of the Titans (2010). Not all the way through anyway. Obviously I’ve stumbled over the infinite amount of internet memes involving Gerard Butler in a cape and his undies but that is as far as I’ve gotten with 300 and really, I’ve not had the urge to watch more. Clash of the Titans held my attention for about ten minutes; I tried for an extra twenty but nothing could force me to sit through the entire showing. For full exposure to Hollywood’s previous attempts to interpret ancient mythology we get to go back to 2004; Troy. Yeah, I know; it’s not a great reference point but it’s all I’ve got.

The other detail I knew going into the theatre was the director, Tarsem Singh. The only reference point I have for this man is: The Cell (2000). Leave your sympathy and pity in the comments below, please.

I’m going to stop now before I leave you with a ten page essay on just what I think about the aforementioned films and delve into the movie review. Immortals story goes something along the lines of King Hyperion is a bitter, silicone based man (Mickey Rourke) who wants to rule/destroy/impregnate all of humanity. Based on the only emotion he displays through the entire film, he wants to do this because he’s struggling to stay awake. Now, despite already having an army that can quite easily conquer the world, Hyperion has decided he needs the Epirus Bow to release the Titans so that…mumble, mumble…and he lives happily ever after. Theseus (Henry Cavill) is a peasant chosen by the Gods for his ability to…remain topless for as long as possible…to stop King Hyperion from releasing the Titans he so desperately needs to fill out the runtime of the film.

Female Demographic? Check.

Now, I’m going to hit you with a little piece of advice: If your opening scene is a spoiler to the next hour to ninety minutes of your movie I do not care what happens in the next sixty-ninety minutes, hell you’ll be lucky if you keep my attention. I’m not even kidding; the opening minutes of this film has someone with a bow approaching a cage filled with stone skinned men. Someone calls out “Hyperion!” then the guy fires an arrow at the cage. If anyone is struggling so far I’ll explain a few things:

WE NOW KNOW HYPERION RELEASES THE TITANS

We are expected to invest in characters embarking on a journey and adventure when we know the protagonist fails to stop what they set out to do. I couldn’t tell if I was laughing or dying inside after watching that scene; I can not become emotionally attached to characters when I already know how the story ends. I won’t be on the edge of my seat if Theseus’ life is in danger, I won’t feel the suspense as Hyperion inches closer to his goal. Just imagine if Star Wars (A New Hope, 1977) opened with the Death Star explosion or if in The Matrix (1999) Neo was told straight off the bat he was Jesus Christ incarnate…wait…

Unfortunately, this is a start of a hefty list of complaints I had about the film. I’m guessing a few people had noticed in my synopsis of Immortals the story was shaking at best when thought about. There really is no need for Hyperion to hunt the bow or the Titans; he already has an army that is feared across land and sea which can easily defeat any settlement or stronghold in his quest for world domination. If you probe further into why Hyperion wants to take over the world, I just don’t know. He talks about spreading his seed or revenge on a crappy plastic surgeon or something along those lines, but really an explanation is never sought after, he wants to take over the world because… of plot convenience?

How much do we expect from the acting in this film? If individual hype is anything to go by, I’m expecting an Oscar nomination or two. Frieda Pinto won over the world with her performance in Slumdog Millionaire (2008), Mickey Rourke has received awards and outstanding praise from critics for his performance in The Wrestler (2008) (including an Oscar nomination), Jon Hurt is a man who needs no introduction when he’s on screen and Henry Cavill? Well he’s the next fucking Superman. No one of these people took the film as their own though, every character had a place and they stayed on a linear path right to the end of the film.

I honestly can only think of maybe three character arcs in the film that should have done something at least to bring some more dimensions to work with but no one took hold and developed themselves beyond just being in the film. Firstly, Theseus states from the beginning of the film he will fight for those he loves and no one else. Well those people he loves end up dying, and does this affect Cavill in any way? Sure, while his mom’s on screen; the rest of the time he’s out to save the world because a pretty girl told him she had a dream. Talking of which, the virgin oracle…

Male Demographic? Check.

You know what; let’s talk about this girl as a whole, not just her arc. She is nothing more than an exposition giver; she has no other use in this film. She has a premonition Theseus saves the world, she tells Theseus he saves the world, she then has to tackle that old problem of falling in love with Cavill because he’s topless…or because he’s the protagonist; I forget which. She has sex with Theseus just because (Genuinely, the scene goes from lovingly gazes into each other’s eyes, building suspense for a possible loving embrace, she drops her dress and asks that he have sex with her so that she doesn’t have visions anymore) and she’s never spoken of again. Her only job was to tell Theseus he needs to stop Hyperion and save the world, but she hangs around for the entire film telling Theseus he needs to stop Hyperion and save the world. Her inclusion annoys me as much as the opening scene spoilers as neither are needed at all and if I’m frank, if it wasn’t for her peachy backside I can not think why she was written into the script.

The only other development or arc in the story I can think of involves Zeus (Luke Evans) and his children. After Zeus’ big reveal and return to Mount Olympus he specifically tells his children that if they try to interfere in mortal troubles he will personally kill them. Time goes on and they grumble to one another before Poseidon (Kellan Lutz) decides he’s going to interfere and help the mortals, obviously condemning himself to death. No. There’s no mention of Poseidon’s actions or indeed their consequences after this scene, hell Zeus even decides to save Poseidon at the end of the film by zapping him back to the skies. The next of his children to interfere are Athena and Ares; Ares saves Theseus and his gang from a particularly tricky situation while Athena provides horses to help them get to the next scene in time. Zeus actually turns up this time and…only kills Ares. And this is never spoken of again.

Despite what I’ve said about the acting, I borderline loved Luke Evans as Zeus. I would have fallen for him completely if he was just given a bit more screen time. His was the only character who really demonstrated any kind of emotionally attachment to events or any development through the story. Zeus had chosen Theseus to lead the mortals to victory; he has also made the decision to allow the mortals to settle the conflict alone, no matter how much he wanted to join the fight. I’m actually saddened that he wasn’t given more screen time as I was completely caught up in the subplot of the Gods’ involvement in mortal affairs (This could be to do with that opening scene destroying the plot for me, but…) and I wanted to know more about Zeus’ struggle with his children wanting to help the mortals and him wanting the mortals to prove to the Gods and themselves they are able to face the adversary alone and succeed.

I could go on more but we're going to end up with the same conclusion, Immortals was poorly executed. After saying all of this I can’t tell you this was actually a decent film, but despite the butchery of mythology, acting, scriptwriting and directing; I could easily watch Immortals one more time at least. Hopefully a director’s cut DVD will give Luke Evans some much needed face time; if so they’ve got a customer already. I will say if you’ve bought into the hype surrounding the film, you’re going to be disappointed. I don’t mean like Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (2010/2011) doesn’t live up to the hype purely because the hype will never be matched; I mean the trailers are creating hype for a film Immortals is trying, but failing, to be. As an Epic tale, you expect an epic experience and Immortals just doesn’t push far enough into the realms of…epicness. And the 3D was shoddy in places too.

A man wondering what ever happened to that Oscar nomination...

If you'd like an alternative view on Immortals, or to listen to someone a little more coherent than me, go on ahead and visit www.i-want-the-fairy-tale.blogspot.com.